Tonight sitting here, in front of a roaring fire- always a sure environment for pensive reflection, I have been taking an honest look at WHY i want to loose weight.
The honest truth is that in every respect I have been made to feel like I am not good enough...As a FAT woman, I fall below the mark... My X Husband used to refer to me as a 'big fat cow sitting on the couch eating chocolate' to all his mates at work...and wouldn't touch me sexually or affectionately, for that matter, for months at a time...its a miracle I have two beautiful children really. My parents, took me to a 'fat' doctor when I was 9 cause they were concerned about my weight even then.
'Fat' to all sense and purposes in this world is just plain wrong! How can I hope to experience the fairy tale; a knight in shining armour that is crazy about me, 'true love', an empowered life, successful career, super mom, if I am constantly burdened by this handicap of Fat'ness. How will people take me seriously and accept me 'Just as I am' when first impressions are just so darned important.
I guess I have bought into the religion of perfection that permeates in the world today. I am not a size 0 and somehow that makes me less than perfect...no not even that...it makes me 'null'. No matter what I do, how smart I am, what a great sense of humour I have, or how nice I am. It makes no difference because I am FAT, a statistic, an 'undesirable', the humiliation of society. The 'obesity epidemic' is given more coverage than the famine/hunger in third world countries. This is not a cry for acceptance, or a shout for you all to tell me how wonderful and special I am...I know that I am...'Just as I am'...but unfortunately the world doesn't and to mold myself to the 'worlds' standards I must lose weight.
However, It would be a dream to actually be accepted, successful and loved 'just as I am' by someone else for a change...not just me...
Deep, deep down I want it to be true that you don't have to be a size 0 to live the fairy tale which is partly why I have been filling my head with books like
Conversations with the Fat GirlThe honest truth is that in every respect I have been made to feel like I am not good enough...As a FAT woman, I fall below the mark... My X Husband used to refer to me as a 'big fat cow sitting on the couch eating chocolate' to all his mates at work...and wouldn't touch me sexually or affectionately, for that matter, for months at a time...its a miracle I have two beautiful children really. My parents, took me to a 'fat' doctor when I was 9 cause they were concerned about my weight even then.
'Fat' to all sense and purposes in this world is just plain wrong! How can I hope to experience the fairy tale; a knight in shining armour that is crazy about me, 'true love', an empowered life, successful career, super mom, if I am constantly burdened by this handicap of Fat'ness. How will people take me seriously and accept me 'Just as I am' when first impressions are just so darned important.
I guess I have bought into the religion of perfection that permeates in the world today. I am not a size 0 and somehow that makes me less than perfect...no not even that...it makes me 'null'. No matter what I do, how smart I am, what a great sense of humour I have, or how nice I am. It makes no difference because I am FAT, a statistic, an 'undesirable', the humiliation of society. The 'obesity epidemic' is given more coverage than the famine/hunger in third world countries. This is not a cry for acceptance, or a shout for you all to tell me how wonderful and special I am...I know that I am...'Just as I am'...but unfortunately the world doesn't and to mold myself to the 'worlds' standards I must lose weight.
However, It would be a dream to actually be accepted, successful and loved 'just as I am' by someone else for a change...not just me...
Deep, deep down I want it to be true that you don't have to be a size 0 to live the fairy tale which is partly why I have been filling my head with books like
-Liza Palmer,
Can You Keep a Secret?
-Sophie Kinsella,
Blushing Pink
- Jill Winters,
The Perfect 10
-Louise Kean,
Good in Bed
- Jennifer Weiner. They all feature plus-size heroines finding peace and getting their man despite the worlds perceptions of them and their weight. Yes, I am a romantic but I happen to be proud of that!
I know my life will NOT be complete as soon as a drop the pounds, I know the fairy tale wont just begin then...but, at least then...I WILL have a fighting chance! At least THEN...I wont have this 'handicap' of a negative first impression, before I have even sat my huge butt down.
I know my life will NOT be complete as soon as a drop the pounds, I know the fairy tale wont just begin then...but, at least then...I WILL have a fighting chance! At least THEN...I wont have this 'handicap' of a negative first impression, before I have even sat my huge butt down.
8 comments:
Flabuless, that's why I love the movie Phatz Girlz. Because it focused on everything that you have said, everything I feel and everything that anyone dealing with weight feels.
I'm happy that I stumbled on your blog, happy that whilst we're all trying to loose, we're also realizing that there is more to who we are than just weight related issues.
Your laughter makes me laugh. so lets just keep on keeping on doing what we do for US! Until we get there.
I think you have to release whatever expectations you think other people have had for you, release what you think society defines for you, and focus on WHAT DO YOU WANT? Make your goals very specific. Consider WHY you want what you want. Let's talk about it....
Dagny
I hope your prince comes NOW, and I hope he makes you feel like Empress of the Universe.
The cult of beauty and slenderness is daunting, saying almost that if you are not THIS size and THIS sort of looking that you are to be held in contempt.
It frightens me when I see how this forces so many women (many of them quite young) to run for plastic surgery and expensive cosmetic enhancements. I understand the pressure, and yet it's scary. That women feel they have to be jabbed by needles, cut up by surgeons, plumped up by artificial substances, and sucked out by machines in order to be "acceptable", "lovable", "admirable."
IT's like I'm in a horror movie and it's out there in my culture.
Dang.
God bless you, girl.
Mir--Princess Dieter
Your exhusband sounds like an ass!
It's too bad there is so much emphasis on weight. I'd love to lose about 20 pounds ... and someday perhaps I will. But I feel healthy and try to eat right and exercise as much as I can.
Hey Lady! I know you know this already, but I'm going to reinforce it. The first thing you HAVE to do in order to be in a successful relationship is be happy with yourself... no matter what size. True love IS out there for you, no matter what size. When I met my husband, he was 350 pounds and I was 175. Within 3 years (and a baby) he was closer to 400 and I was at 220. We tend to enable each other, but he has been nothing but supportive in my current weight loss battle. We weren't perfect when we met and we didn't expect each other to be. To me, that does make us perfect.
I also want to point out, that although the change is slow, in US TV, more and more full figured women are being showcased, have become icons, and lead very successful, public careers and lives. Oprah, the ladies on The View, and my personal favorite, Queen Latifah are some of the more popular examples.
You are destined for success so long as you ignore (and keep pointing out) the BS and live firm in a positive self image. You are great! You know it and I know it!
That's great that you are willing to take an honest and deeper look at the motivating factors behind your desire to lose weight. Most people won't do that when they are over weight instead choosing to focus on "I'll think about it when I'm skinny."
I couldn't agree more. I hate the beauty standards of today, but I'm still trying to fit into a smaller size. I just can't stop the feeling of wanting to be thin. And I read the book "Good in Bed" and loved it.
I never leave comments but your post has really hit home.
I have been just over 200lbs for over 6 years, and for those 6 years I have been invisable.
In May this year I decided enough was enough and that I needed to take control.
Since then I have dropped to 168lbs- still about 20lbs to go. And now apparently I am a valuable person. I have not beacome kinder, funnier or smarter just thinner- but my opinion now matters.
Well done on your weight loss and good luck.
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