ok...so for some serious stuff! I have always been a 'big' girl since I was about 8 years old...although in my early years I was never 'obese' just 'the chubby girl'... although it maybe doesn't seem it...I have always had a low self esteem when it comes to my looks/weight. At school, my friends all had boyfriends, except me, and it was easier to put it down to my weight then anything else. You see, I was brought up an 'adopted' child, in a 'white' family and have lived most of my life in a 'white' centric environment (ie all the people, friends, family, acquaintances I was surrounded with were 'white'). To all sense and purposes I was white however, my birth dad (who I never met till later in life) was african which is, obviously (unless your colour blind), where I get my colour. I think my putting on weight was as a responce to my insecurities about my place in this world it was easier to put the fact that no one was attracted to me, that I didn't fit in, that I was different, down to my weight...which obviously is changeable rather than my colour, which I can't do anything about. The fact that I always stood out like a sore thumb amongst the people I hung out with did nothing to build my fragile self esteem.
I put on the majority of my weight in the last 10 years after falling in and out of abusive relationships and about 3 years ago shortly after the birth of my eldest son, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, a lifetime condition of which I am taking medication for. After further investigation of my birth parents I found out that thyroid problems run in the family on my birth mothers side. So it is very possible I have had this condition for most of my life although only known about it for the last few years. My mother notes that when I was a child I had exactly the same strictly controlled diet/portions as my brother...but he stayed as slim as a rake and I just seemed to keep on putting on weight...she wonders if the hypothyroidism was the cause of this.
It is interesting to note that at 16 I lost a lot of weight by walking excessively and dieting but when my parents told me that a friend of my brother had 'noticed' that i was blossoming and looking really beautiful, instead of feeling good/encouraged...I felt vulnerable, exposed, like people could actually see me and I could no longer hide behind my weight. So I put it all back on again. My biggest fear is that I will do this again...its like I am actually scared to be slim. I don't want to be rejected for any other reason other than my weight and that I think is why I sabotage myself all the time.
With regards to my 'Relationship' with food, if you haven't guessed already...I love food! It has been a big part of my life for so long. I don't emotionally eat, as such. However, I DO emotionally drink (gotta watch that!, don't want to add alcoholism to my many list of vices). And funny enough I don't binge eat chocolates, chips, and yummy stuff, not anymore anyway... But I eat cause I can, cause its there I guess you could say I am a compulsive eater. To coin a corny phrase my eyes has always been too big for my tummy! Sometimes (pre-lapband) it was like I didn't have an OFF button. Even now, I can eat and feel full but if there is still food left on my plate, or easily accessible, I continue eating. It has become like an instinctive reaction, until I eventually become aware of what I am doing in which case I DO stop. Its like my mind tells me I MUST eat just incase of a famine coming tomorro. I can be doing things around the house and if I come across a bag of biscuits etc or anything else, absently, I will pick one up and start eating without thinking half the time. Which is a big reason why I have the 'no yummy food in the house' rule. As I have mentioned in my previous post, when I go out, it is a different story, to see something yummy for sale and actually walk past is an ongoing struggle to say the least...I am getting much better at this though.
Having lapband has certainly inhibited my capacity to eat to a certain extent, because if I overeat I suffer the consequences later...ie shoulder pains, productive burps etc. Lap-band has particularly controlled the portions of my 'main' meals and has been successful in stopping the weight gain and helping me loose the majority of weight so far. But it doesn't stop the 'grazing' and it doesn't help my 'depression' or lack of motivation to exercise etc which I think is my major problem at present. I loose weight when I exercise...when I don't, I just plateau which is where I have been over the past 4 months. With everything going on in my life, and all the stresses and pressure I am under with my business frustrations, and property/divorce proceedings, it has really affected my ability to get up and out of the house...
My reasons for loosing weight have been based on health and lifestyle...but I also want to know what it feels like to 'think I am beautiful' and that my body is beautiful. Don't get me wrong I know I am beautiful, my face is, at least...but I hate my body...it is U-G-L-Y. For me the ultimate validation that I am ok and that my 'skin' colour is ok is to attract a stud; a tall, WHITE, muscle bound, eye candy, hunk...hehehe! Call me vain, I know...
I am not looking to loose so much weight its unhealthy I would be happy to get down to a size 10/8 (US sizes) but I guess I am sick of everybody looking at me THAT way...and thinking I'm a slob, glutton. Actually...I am more sick of thinking that about myself. I want people to notice me for reasons other than my weight. I want ME to notice me and be proud for once instead of horrified when I look down. I am finally getting to that point where I want to break free of my fears of being slim and getting noticed I just don't know how to do that. I feel like I have hit a wall in my own growth, and weight loss journey. The 'mind stuff', it seems has been holding me back from breaking through, from achieving what I know is mine to achieve.
I guess in a big way I am searching for personal validation through loosing weight I don't know whether it is a good or bad thing but it HAS been my motivation to this point but maybe not enough to continue. Which is why I have been talking with Kellee to sort through these issues.
I put on the majority of my weight in the last 10 years after falling in and out of abusive relationships and about 3 years ago shortly after the birth of my eldest son, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, a lifetime condition of which I am taking medication for. After further investigation of my birth parents I found out that thyroid problems run in the family on my birth mothers side. So it is very possible I have had this condition for most of my life although only known about it for the last few years. My mother notes that when I was a child I had exactly the same strictly controlled diet/portions as my brother...but he stayed as slim as a rake and I just seemed to keep on putting on weight...she wonders if the hypothyroidism was the cause of this.
It is interesting to note that at 16 I lost a lot of weight by walking excessively and dieting but when my parents told me that a friend of my brother had 'noticed' that i was blossoming and looking really beautiful, instead of feeling good/encouraged...I felt vulnerable, exposed, like people could actually see me and I could no longer hide behind my weight. So I put it all back on again. My biggest fear is that I will do this again...its like I am actually scared to be slim. I don't want to be rejected for any other reason other than my weight and that I think is why I sabotage myself all the time.
With regards to my 'Relationship' with food, if you haven't guessed already...I love food! It has been a big part of my life for so long. I don't emotionally eat, as such. However, I DO emotionally drink (gotta watch that!, don't want to add alcoholism to my many list of vices). And funny enough I don't binge eat chocolates, chips, and yummy stuff, not anymore anyway... But I eat cause I can, cause its there I guess you could say I am a compulsive eater. To coin a corny phrase my eyes has always been too big for my tummy! Sometimes (pre-lapband) it was like I didn't have an OFF button. Even now, I can eat and feel full but if there is still food left on my plate, or easily accessible, I continue eating. It has become like an instinctive reaction, until I eventually become aware of what I am doing in which case I DO stop. Its like my mind tells me I MUST eat just incase of a famine coming tomorro. I can be doing things around the house and if I come across a bag of biscuits etc or anything else, absently, I will pick one up and start eating without thinking half the time. Which is a big reason why I have the 'no yummy food in the house' rule. As I have mentioned in my previous post, when I go out, it is a different story, to see something yummy for sale and actually walk past is an ongoing struggle to say the least...I am getting much better at this though.
Having lapband has certainly inhibited my capacity to eat to a certain extent, because if I overeat I suffer the consequences later...ie shoulder pains, productive burps etc. Lap-band has particularly controlled the portions of my 'main' meals and has been successful in stopping the weight gain and helping me loose the majority of weight so far. But it doesn't stop the 'grazing' and it doesn't help my 'depression' or lack of motivation to exercise etc which I think is my major problem at present. I loose weight when I exercise...when I don't, I just plateau which is where I have been over the past 4 months. With everything going on in my life, and all the stresses and pressure I am under with my business frustrations, and property/divorce proceedings, it has really affected my ability to get up and out of the house...
My reasons for loosing weight have been based on health and lifestyle...but I also want to know what it feels like to 'think I am beautiful' and that my body is beautiful. Don't get me wrong I know I am beautiful, my face is, at least...but I hate my body...it is U-G-L-Y. For me the ultimate validation that I am ok and that my 'skin' colour is ok is to attract a stud; a tall, WHITE, muscle bound, eye candy, hunk...hehehe! Call me vain, I know...
I am not looking to loose so much weight its unhealthy I would be happy to get down to a size 10/8 (US sizes) but I guess I am sick of everybody looking at me THAT way...and thinking I'm a slob, glutton. Actually...I am more sick of thinking that about myself. I want people to notice me for reasons other than my weight. I want ME to notice me and be proud for once instead of horrified when I look down. I am finally getting to that point where I want to break free of my fears of being slim and getting noticed I just don't know how to do that. I feel like I have hit a wall in my own growth, and weight loss journey. The 'mind stuff', it seems has been holding me back from breaking through, from achieving what I know is mine to achieve.
I guess in a big way I am searching for personal validation through loosing weight I don't know whether it is a good or bad thing but it HAS been my motivation to this point but maybe not enough to continue. Which is why I have been talking with Kellee to sort through these issues.
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