You know...tonight I have been thinking...yes it does happen sometimes. In the midst of all the hilarity, and laughter I do have my more somber moments. For me the thing that sobers me about my weight is the thought that I am not attractive, that guys could not be attracted to me, and probably don't want to rip my clothes off. In fact I think the opposite reaction applies..."LEAVE THEM ON! LEAVE THEM ON, FOR GOD'S SAKE!"
Sure, I'm not blind...I know that I have a gorgeous smile, a pretty face, and a fantastic sense of humour, I am genuine, down to earth...I accept people where they are at no matter their age or background, I am fun to be with, I am a loyal friend, and compassionate, bla, bla, bla. But hey, when I look at myself naked, even I am reviled. When I grab those 100+ love handles, and wobble the flubber of my overhanging stomach , when I turn around and see the rolls hanging down just above my calves, behind my knees...when I shake and my whole body looks like jello (and not in a nice yummy way either)...when I hold up my arms and the underarm flab just hangs down and flaps with every slight movement...when I bend over and my butt takes up the full width of the mirror....reality strikes.
I have come to the realisation that although I AM indeed a very attractive person...my body is definitely not...and you know the funny thing is I accept that...I don't like it, but I accept it...and I use it, actually...I may laugh about flirting with a guy, as I did this weekend, and I may joke about how long it has been since I have had any kind of 'action' and how I am 'etching' for it and I may act like I would literally jump in the first bed that was offered to me, but quite frankly...I can be open about all that stuff because I know its NEVER going to happen. As long as I am, as I am I might as well cease shaving...and continue wearing my nanna panties cause my 'whooohoo' is unlikely to be seen by ANYONE else in quite some time. It is no secret that I am a little low on 'offers' currently. hehehe! but I can flirt shamelessly with all kinds of unattainable men and have an absolute ball knowing that it is SAFE. If one of them turned around and actually expressed an interest, most likely I would loose the plot and/or run for the hills...as I did a couple of months ago when I was knocked off my heels (not literally) by one of my close buddies...who, I might add, after telling me he was attracted to me, I haven't heard from since...I guess the light of day changed his mind on that one...hehehe.
Besides, the kind of guys I am attracted to are generally, tall dark and handsome, with a splash of grey in the temples, and certified athletic hotties...you know, the kind you see on Grey's Anatomy. The chances that someone like that would be interested in me would be a rare thing indeed. Although I like to think that 'everyone deserves a little 'love' and that there are people/men out there that can see past the 'fat' to the person inside. As a single mom some 60lbs+ over weight, I am not really, presently, what the world would call the complete package now am I?
So although my advise to anyone like me is basically the same as those well meaning 'busy bodies' when they tell us that we are beautiful and need to learn to 'love' ourselves...my take is slightly different... Sure we need to love ourselves. accept ourselves, give ourselves credit for the fantastic human beings that we are but it doesn't mean that we have to 'like' our bodies. For me, the 'act' of loving my body doesn't mean licking the reflection, of my body, off the mirror each time...but rather looking after it, as best I can, feeding it with things that are good and nourishing for it and exercising it (yet even that doesn't happen as much as I would like).
So... in answer to my own question I have resigned myself to the FACT that I probably wont be getting my knickers around my ankles for another year or two till after I have a tummy tuck, once I have reached my goal. Maybe I'm pessimistic or a cynic, maybe, I am not taking into account the 'genuine' men of the world who believe size doesn't matter, but for me its easier thinking like that and attributing it to my weight rather than hoping like hell and being rejected again and again. At least I still have my overactive imagination, and my flirtatious nature...and I must admit they keep me quite entertained at the best of times. I do think that 'Fat' girls have all the fun!
Sure, I'm not blind...I know that I have a gorgeous smile, a pretty face, and a fantastic sense of humour, I am genuine, down to earth...I accept people where they are at no matter their age or background, I am fun to be with, I am a loyal friend, and compassionate, bla, bla, bla. But hey, when I look at myself naked, even I am reviled. When I grab those 100+ love handles, and wobble the flubber of my overhanging stomach , when I turn around and see the rolls hanging down just above my calves, behind my knees...when I shake and my whole body looks like jello (and not in a nice yummy way either)...when I hold up my arms and the underarm flab just hangs down and flaps with every slight movement...when I bend over and my butt takes up the full width of the mirror....reality strikes.
I have come to the realisation that although I AM indeed a very attractive person...my body is definitely not...and you know the funny thing is I accept that...I don't like it, but I accept it...and I use it, actually...I may laugh about flirting with a guy, as I did this weekend, and I may joke about how long it has been since I have had any kind of 'action' and how I am 'etching' for it and I may act like I would literally jump in the first bed that was offered to me, but quite frankly...I can be open about all that stuff because I know its NEVER going to happen. As long as I am, as I am I might as well cease shaving...and continue wearing my nanna panties cause my 'whooohoo' is unlikely to be seen by ANYONE else in quite some time. It is no secret that I am a little low on 'offers' currently. hehehe! but I can flirt shamelessly with all kinds of unattainable men and have an absolute ball knowing that it is SAFE. If one of them turned around and actually expressed an interest, most likely I would loose the plot and/or run for the hills...as I did a couple of months ago when I was knocked off my heels (not literally) by one of my close buddies...who, I might add, after telling me he was attracted to me, I haven't heard from since...I guess the light of day changed his mind on that one...hehehe.
Besides, the kind of guys I am attracted to are generally, tall dark and handsome, with a splash of grey in the temples, and certified athletic hotties...you know, the kind you see on Grey's Anatomy. The chances that someone like that would be interested in me would be a rare thing indeed. Although I like to think that 'everyone deserves a little 'love' and that there are people/men out there that can see past the 'fat' to the person inside. As a single mom some 60lbs+ over weight, I am not really, presently, what the world would call the complete package now am I?
So although my advise to anyone like me is basically the same as those well meaning 'busy bodies' when they tell us that we are beautiful and need to learn to 'love' ourselves...my take is slightly different... Sure we need to love ourselves. accept ourselves, give ourselves credit for the fantastic human beings that we are but it doesn't mean that we have to 'like' our bodies. For me, the 'act' of loving my body doesn't mean licking the reflection, of my body, off the mirror each time...but rather looking after it, as best I can, feeding it with things that are good and nourishing for it and exercising it (yet even that doesn't happen as much as I would like).
So... in answer to my own question I have resigned myself to the FACT that I probably wont be getting my knickers around my ankles for another year or two till after I have a tummy tuck, once I have reached my goal. Maybe I'm pessimistic or a cynic, maybe, I am not taking into account the 'genuine' men of the world who believe size doesn't matter, but for me its easier thinking like that and attributing it to my weight rather than hoping like hell and being rejected again and again. At least I still have my overactive imagination, and my flirtatious nature...and I must admit they keep me quite entertained at the best of times. I do think that 'Fat' girls have all the fun!
8 comments:
Found your blog on MyBlogLog and it is wonderful. And what an amazing accomplishment you have achieved so far. I'm struggling to make it to the 10lbs. mark on my way to a 50lb. loss and guess I'm just not taking it very seriously. What a great post -- you're terrific!
flabuless
you know you just have to ask...I would be happy to oblige anytime.
xxx
Your knight in pink flamingo armour.
Ha! Ha! my friend, you forget...I know where you live so I just might come a knocking! but the last time I looked I WAS still a woman...yes I can tell despite the rolls! and I dont know what Toby would think of you shifting to the 'other side' for a change.
But its the thought that counts... and you know I love ya to bits.
and kellypea..so glad you found me. thanks for the encouragement. You are so right though...loosing weight is hard and you have to be in the right frame of mind...but just think of the benefits! Keep on battling through and you'll get there. Please keep me updated.
:)
Just found your blog. I love your sense of humor! If we can't laugh at ourselves,who can we laugh at, right? Keep up the great work and I'll be back often.
Luv you just haven't come across the right breed of man yet. There are plenty of men like myself worldwide that love ladies with all the rolls and handles and everything that goes with it.
Sure I like the smile but its the the body that makes my heard turn.
Glen hehehe...if you weren't happily married and millions of miles away...you'd be in trouble... your kind of breed of men are rare indeed...especially in this part of the world.
Sparky's Girl....Absolutely, laughing at oneself is actually very liberating, I find. I would not be who I am today if I couldn't. It helps keep things in perspective for me. Great to see you here!
I have to disagree with you, dear. There are more men than you can count who are attracted to women with extra padding. Not only am I married to one, but I encountered them left and right my entire life.
I was never one who was starved for attention in that department. Granted, the attention wasn't always welcome, but it was there. And the men who have been attracted to me run the gamut of neck-tattooed ex-cons looking for another baby momma to tall, dark, handsome professionals who are bored with lovers on constant diets.
One of the hardest things for me (and my husband) to overcome as I was deciding whether WLS was for me was the fear that he would not be attracted to me as thin person. This man loved and desired every square inch of my 335-pound frame, and I was terrified that he'd be repulsed by me half that size.
That repulsion never came, but I notice that he still eyes BBWs...and I know that he gets wistful at time for the old me, but I'm glad he appreciates the new me.
Well Tonya...
hehehe...there is hope for me yet! I'll try not to loose hope...maybe its where I live...a small community of about 800 residents...mostly rednecked farmers and farmers boys. hehehe. I am beginning to think I should move to the US...or atleast pay a visit. I might actually get lucky by the sounds of it.
:) Flabuless
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